This one time, at band camp...

“You’d better not do that,” I thought. Marcus had circled Band 1 as an elective on his course selection sheet. “Better him than me,” I thought.  Oh Marcus. You were so young, with so much to offer the social hierarchy. We could have hosted one of those raging house parties you see on TV, where all the guys in their Lettermans drink from red Solos and chat up cheerleaders. And then when a pack of disheveled-looking tuba players knock on the door, we can tell them that the party’s all full and that they should wait outside. Won’t that be fun? Won’t that make us cool?

I lost my virginity a year later at the awkward age of fifteen. The first of many house parties I would orchestrate. Hammered off of Bud Light. My Mom was either in Singapore or Brazil at the time, I can’t remember- I was too busy being a badass. At school the following Monday: “Extrey! Extrey!… Read all about it! Sophomore lacrosse captain loses V-card to senior slut.” I walked through the halls with a rooster’s gait, confirming my victory amongst the important members of the clique. I handled questions with the swagger and tact of a press secretary, exuding my best 007 debonair for the general public.

Zach and Lauren sat behind me in Spanish class. They were an obnoxiously happy pair of band fags, going on about the regional drum line meet. Oh, and they were Christians too. The annoying kind, who go to youth groups on Wednesday night and listen to the despicable paradox that is “Christian Rock". The type who wore chastity rings and would spit-shine their beloved Dinkles on the weekends. It took a lot of self-control that day to keep myself from thrusting a ballpoint pen through Zach’s jugular. Just to shut him up. Why were they so excited about a pair of cheap dress shoes? Why were they even talking within earshot of me? Didn’t their pathetic virgin ears catch wind of the weekend’s breaking news? Why did they bother me so much? And, did that make me a typical jock douchebag? Actually, don’t answer that.

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